My Cat Gets Mad When I Use His Toilet

There's something very strange about my cat. Scratch that (ha). There are several somethings that are very strange about him. But perhaps topping the list is his proclivity for peeing in the toilet. The human toilet. The only toilet in our very small, 1 bathroom home. Let me start at the beginning.

When we (read: I) decided to get a cat, Troy was (understandably) trepidatious about the introduction of the delights of a litter box into our daily existence. I, on my soap box, refused to have an outdoor cat and I detailed the dangers of doing so. We were at a bit of an impasse until, in my kitten search, I came across a picture of "Tangle" (sidenote: what the hell kind of name for a cat is Tangle?). A teeny, tiny orange tabby with an unspeakably large head and similarly sized ears. Eyes the same color as his orange fur added to his adorable charm. Troy was immediately sold, as was I, and we immediately started rationalizing our way out of the litter box debacle by claiming that we would toilet train our kitten. I've seen it on YouTube, how hard can it BE?!

We finally passed muster with the rescue group (Do you currently have any cats? Why not? Did you cause their premature demise through your own ineptitude? Do you hate cats? Oh you DO have cats? So you have no time to devote to this new cat, do you? We're just kidding, here--have a kitten. Bastards.) We picked up little Tangle (whose name was changed to Hermes as soon as his foster mom was out of earshot) in the parking lot of a Dairy Queen (class-y), and started the long drive home. We were in love. He crawled around on Troy for a while, then promptly curled up on Troy's shoulder and started purring very loudly. Nothing quite so therapeutic as a cat purring. Troy is a big believer in handling the crap out of cats when they're young so that they're comfortable with it when they get older--I'm not sure Hermes needed this training, because his favorite place to be seemed to be "as close as possible to you" but it turned out that it was a good idea on that particular car ride, because of....the discovery.

Hermes was covered. Covered. Crawling. With fleas. **shudder** I've always had indoor animals, and always lived in a place where insect infestations weren't a huge concern (except for moths...anyone? anyone?), so this was new and very disturbing territory for me. In true form, I panicked and Troy remained calm...we took the little flea bag into petsmart, got a little advice, and got the appropriate accoutrement for eliminating the "problem"--gag. Upon his arrival in his new home he was rushed to the bathroom and given a bath, for which he remained completely, 100%, stock still. God bless the little guy. Fleas eliminated, we proceeded to settle into a new routine with our very small, cuddly roommate.

We had initially planned to jump immediately into the toilet training (yeah, that whole story was a tangent--sorry, happens). But as it turns out, being completely infested with blood sucking parasites for most of the first 6 weeks of your life has some negative effects on your health--this is an important safety tip for those of you who were considering some kind of infestation. You're welcome. Anyway, little booboo was pretty sick, and spent a great deal of time in and out of the vet's office when he was first home with us, and that whole toilet training thing...we kind of, well...forgot. BUT...kitten poo smells god-awful, and eventually Troy just couldn't take it anymore, and insisted we start the training process. So, we got our supplies (available on Amazon, along with everything else you'll ever need), and we began. At first, he was a star. When we started, he had no problem with the idea of a litter box on the same level as the toilet....however, the next step was to convince him that a small hole in the middle of his litter box was totally COOL man. He was pretty sure, however, that it was not at all cool, and he was not having it. He diligently stood atop the toilet and pushed all his litter into the miniscule hole, in an attempt to fill it before he would use the litter box. Of course, this didn't work and all the litter ended up in the bottom of the toilet (really good for your plumbing, in case you were wondering). He then promptly used the floor. Awesome.

After several months of this, with no change, we gave up. And then a year went by. We moved across the country. We bought a lovely home, with a lovely bathroom, and we moved our little family into it. We upgraded Hermes' litter box to the Booda Dome Clean Step (best. litterbox. ever.) in a delightful color and we were very pleased. No odor, very attractive, we weren't looking to change his bathroom routine. And then, sitting in the living room, I hear Troy yell from the bathroom while he's brushing his teeth, "Holy shit!" Extra plaque buildup? I wonder. That can be very unsettling. Then: "Hermes is peeing in the toilet!" *insert that weird record squeaking to a stop sound here* He's WHAT?

Sure enough, there was the little angel, squatting on the edge of the toilet, peeing directly into the bowl. He now does it all the time. And now for the thought that I asked you to entertain in the title of today's post: he has started to get mad when I use his toilet. He sits outside the door, meows plaintively, and when that doesn't work, he starts to throw himself against the door. When I open the door, he races in and jumps onto the toilet and stares at me challengingly, as though to say, "MY toilet. And don't you forget it." Then sometimes he uses it, so as to really stick it to me, for good measure.

So there you have it, folks. Food for thought. My cat gets mad when I use his toilet.