Let's think about it. We send out save the dates. We send out invitations. We send out registry information cards. We send out shower invitations. We send out rehearsal dinner invitations. We send out bridesmaid luncheon invitations. We send out day-after brunch invitations. We send out thank you notes for the many many gifts, including the ones that are mailed to us. And despite the fact that we live in an electronic age, where everything from college applications to pizza orders are done online, we are vehemently opposed to sending any of these things out electronically. Because it would be RUDE.
And here's my question: how can a method of communicating something be inherently rude or polite? I mean, sure, if I invited people to my wedding by saying, "You. Wedding. December 1. Be there or I'll punch you in the throat." That would be rude. Because you should never threaten people with violence in order to make them come celebrate your nuptials and buy you a present. Poor taste. But what exactly is more or less polite about a beautiful invitation that makes clear that a couple values you, your friendship, and your presence at the beginning of their marriage either on paper or on your computer screen? Is it because you feel special that they spent an average of $700 on their invitations (that's the average amount a couple spends, but trust me when I tell you that the really nice invites can run up to $9 PER INVITE)? Does spending money on the invitation mean you care more about the people you're inviting? What about the care you have for the trees you're killing and the resources you're wasting on invitations that people will literally throw away in very short order? If you got an email with an attachment that was an image of a beautiful invitation and it contained a hyperlink that allowed you to click yes or no--what exactly would the problem be?
I understand that there is a problem. There is a reason that no one is doing this. I've heard the "some people don't have computers or internet" excuse--but we're rapidly running out of steam on that one. My step-grandparents, who are *ahem* not spring chickens, were among the FIRST people to use my wedding website and were again among the first to RSVP electronically. My parents receive more emails from my mema than from anyone else. They've got a computer and they know how to use it, and what's more, they DO use it all. the. time. Anyone ever seen myparentsjoinedfacebook.com? It's the 21st century, people. We have computers in our wristwatches, our cell phones, our dashboards, and everyone is using them. The parents on facebook thing is really not a problem for me, but is totally a topic for another day.
Each of the invitations to each of the wedding-related activities are supposed to be printed on paper and mailed. Because it's polite. And I've heard the "woe is me" tales from those who have received these invitations in electronic form. Here are some of my favorites (all things I have actually heard or read from real people):
Umm...ok? Because it's not even remotely possible that I have a limited budget and decided that instead of putting $1000 toward paper invitations I decided to spend that money on an open bar or a delicious entree choice that you will undoubtedly enjoy more? And I was actually not aware that I was sending wedding invitations in an effort to elicit from you the most expensive wedding gift possible. I thought I was inviting you to my wedding so that you would 1) know that I'm getting married and when; 2) know that you have been an important part of my or my fiance's life; and 3) know that it would mean a great deal to one or both of us if you shared in our joy on the day that we publicly commit our lives to each other. But maybe that's just me.
Things done online are inherently less formal than things printed on paper, so if you send me an electronic invitation, I will assume that means your event is informal.
Well that's just silly. You can apply to Harvard online. You can apply to work for the President online. And when I say "can" I really mean "should"--I've been working in admissions for a while, and I'll tell you that we take someone a lot more seriously when we receive their application online because it's neater and easier to read, and it doesn't give us more paper to keep track of, which is just annoying. So you can't convince me that there's anything inherently formal or informal about the internet.
Electronic invitations are impersonal. I like to picture the bride and groom sitting around a table with their families, addressing each invitation, and telling stories about the people they're inviting and why they've been important parts of the lives of the bride and groom.
That's not going to happen, first of all. Personally, I had a little team of girls who helped me with my invitations, and that was great--we sat and chatted and then we had dinner together. It was lovely. BUT, most brides that I know spend night after night feverishly sitting at their kitchen table working on their invitations until they're so sick of them they want to puke. I was a lucky girl to have lovely people helping me. But I did my save-the-dates and my rehearsal dinner invitations all on my own, the stuffing, the addressing, the stamping, the sealing. It's not fun, it's not personal, and it doesn't promote positive associations with the people to whom the little envelopes are being sent. And explain to me how receiving an identical physical invitation to every other person on the guest list is somehow more personal than receiving an identical electronic invitation? The difference is that with the physical one, someone has to write your name and address, but with an electronic invite, they only have to type in your email. Both of which are specific to you. And about the only personalization the invite is getting. And I'll be real with you. A lot of brides pay people to address their invites for them. So I'm missing the personal touch in all this.
Really, I don't get it. But SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE has us convinced of these things. There must be some sort of outside force, because I refuse to believe that there are so many people in the world who are just blindly and illogically obsessed with unfounded rules about what is rude and what is polite. And I believe that force is the United States Postal Service. I mean, come on....who benefits from this, except for them? Stationery companies can always transition to electronic media and make you pay them for their designs--a lot of them are already doing it. But the postal service--they'd be in even deeper sh** than they currently are if everyone suddenly discovered that it's perfectly acceptable, much easier, and way cheaper, if we just do all these wedding-y things electronically. So they go around making sure we all firmly believe that we would be the height of impudence to even consider e-viting people to our weddings, showers, rehearsals, and brunches.
And I have bought it. Hook, line, and sinker. I am utterly terrified of being considered ill-mannered, and there is more than one person in my life who I fear would be truly offended if I violated any social mores. And I really don't like upsetting people or causing them to think badly of me. I even paid extra for postage so that I could have the pretty wedding stamps instead of buying stamps in the amount I actually needed--yeah, the postal service loves me. Since I got engaged, I have mailed more things than I have mailed in my entire life. And there's no end in sight. I'm on a couple of wedding blogs and there are long, detailed conversations about which stamps to use and whether it's worth it to spend more on postage in order to use the envelopes you REALLY like. So yeah. Weddings are a conspiracy by the postal service. We're keeping them in business, and I firmly believe that if not for the income generated for them by weddings, postage would have gone up to way more than 44 cents by now. You're welcome. ;)
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